What flavor is the behavior?

One of the most useful things I’ve learned in studying relational neuroscience is that we have our own regulation needs and processes going on at the same time our kids do.

We each have our own tender or protective spots that get tripped.

So we can really use the additional grace and self-compassion that come with understanding:

1. We are not always in a state that allows access to our clear thinking.
   You can have a solid plan…and end up somewhere else.

2. No single answer or decision tree will lead us to the "best" option.
   Parenthood is shaped by shape-shifting needs, seasonal changes, and real crises.

3. Sometimes the thing to do is be present to what the need is. Because it changes. And so does the meet-and-match response.

Before you try to shift anything, check the non-verbals.

Look at your child's face and body. Notice whether they are sending signals of connection... or protection.

(We have a better chance at meeting and matching when we track where we're entering.)

Aim the energy you have available toward mindful experiments.

Instead of: "We don't say that."

Try: "I hear you! You're really mad!"

Matching the energy, not the dysregulation.

Instead of: "Go to your room til you calm down!"

Try: "Things are getting loud! I'm gonna pause."

Regulation is not always calm.

Instead of judging your own silence or the urge to retreat as "not enough."

Try noticing how much distance and deeper breaths feel better. What cues tell you it's time to move away, or safe to come closer?

Tracking intensity + tension can be illuminating. And may offer a closer match than ignoring—which tends to up the ante—because kids want to know we really get it.

Instead of yelling while standing your full height.

Try sitting down, lower than your kid, before you holler.

Changing our posture can reduce the threat response.

And even if it feels like you're not ending up where you hoped, you're interrupting the pattern...

Because we don't always have to wait for the storm to pass. And not every moment is a teachable one. It depends on how available you and your child both are.

Sometimes we have to split the difference. Tracking safety. Waiting. Wondering. Pausing. Other times: Jumping. Stomping. Watchful. Fiercely protective. Curious.

Slowing our own reactions can save energy. And resentment. Taking space can bring relief. Or increase panic and pursuit.

We don't often know EXACTLY what's fueling the upset. Theirs. Ours. That spiky alchemy.

Still, the practice is to embrace our role as a thermostat, adjusting conditions and tracking shifts, rather than hopping aboard rising temps.

It's so much harder to gauge where they are when we're flooded, too.

This process begins with orienting to the moment: tracking body shapes, vocal volume, our own posture. So we can practice recognizing the patterns and how far down the protection pathway we are, before trying to reroute.

I’m starting a series on tracking internal cues and non-verbal signals in parenting.

More to come…