Fewer Battles + Creative Resistance

Kids are certifiable experts in making things NOT happen.

You know that feeling...

It's 10 minutes past the drop-dead latest time you can leave the house, and your kid is sitting on the toilet. Or still building LEGOs...or still (not) eating breakfast...and they have no pants on.

This is a moment where the urge to scream absolutely makes sense!

But you know as well as I do: That won't get things moving.

Because their lagging readiness, time tracking, and ability to grasp how their actions affect other people...are not on board like we wish they were.

In fact, in our own experience of the futility of yelling, storming, threats, and taking away screentime—while still not measurably shifting behavior or being able to make things happen—we are finally starting to get it: Making things NOT happen is a kid-level superpower.

And these days, with so many dystopian events co-occurring, we might take a page from their book.

Instead of doubling down on volume, intensity, consequences, or high-energy lecturing on the tragic flaws in their logical and moral reasoning (PS: they're not using those superpowers, I promise)—let's get creative:

Visual Schedule... kids can anchor to their routine with a place to check "do I have soccer today?" or "what's for dinner"...stop repeating yourself and help them embrace the powers of predictability and self-check-in's. This doesn't need to be fancy: Stickers & stick drawings will do!

Visual schedules can save you energy and prep kids for what to expect…even if it doesn’t all get done

P.S. “Beep! Honk!” is a game of connection—call + response meets sensory input—to support connection & playful engagement

Yes, And... Borrowed from improvisational theater, "Yes" signals that you hear them; “And” pivots, rather than inviting a power struggle. This offers them right-sized power, and saves your energy for other "have-to's". It’s the polar opposite of “No, But…”

You want Halloween candy for breakfast? Let's pick two pieces to eat with your eggs [ 🤢 ]

“Yes, And…” is an improv theater technique to keep the action moving, dodging dead-ends & power struggles

Connection Before Correction... Self-regulation is built on 1,000's of repetitions of co-regulation. Did you know it takes 6 positive interactions to balance out 1 negative? Those moments of perceived rejection and even constructive criticism often go down easier when sandwiched between acknowledgement and affection. So if you have a kid with behaviors going sideways, I'm curious about how much co-regulation they're able to take in—even when you're offering gentle reminders, slowing down to join them, or being playful. (But mostly, we're not. Because we are tired. We adults rarely receive undivided attention to our own sweet selves and legit needs.)

Two places to start exploring this:
🎧 ​Is Co-Regulation Just Coddling?​ (36 min podcast)
🙌 ​Special Time​ can be a preemptive game-changer, in 2-10 minute bursts

It's hard to practice giving what we haven’t received. Boy howdy—I’m making art about THIS lately!

And, in the meantime, what can we learn from kids' approach to resisting the momentum of activities or transitions that don't match our expectations?

🛑 CREATIVE RESISTANCE MATTERS RIGHT NOW

The world is going extra wobbly as "leaders" respond to threat with intensity, instead of bringing down the heat. Art + play offer balance.

With federal agents posturing in downtown Portland, it occurred to community organizers that force might be disarmed with farce. A menagerie of protestors donning inflatable cartoon costumes showed up at the ICE facility. And, in the pouring rain, an EMERGENCY Naked Bike Ride was convened as a demonstration of non-violent resistance. This is creative anti-escalation at work in the real world. It’s not perfect, but protestors in Care Bear costumes are playing with the idea of defusing intensity, instead of going toe-to-toe—because Power-Over is not the only move.

Most kid behaviors are not an emergency...how can we adjust our reactions to match?

How can we ramp up play, music, downtime, distraction, and feel-good activities that help us recover and reconnect between moments of stuckness and frustration?

Here's what's happening at my house:

READING: The Lonely Hearts Book Club :: Lucy Gilmore—it's about the joy of unlikely friendships, expansive magic of books, and remarkable ripples of connection

LISTENING: Pleasure :: Feist—plus, I live with musicians, so lots of guitar + cello solos 💕

Archtop guitar my spouse just built—awaiting strings!

What outlets are effective for YOU in digesting stress, and being present?

For an entire year, I've been taking weekend art classes to connect with like-minded folks and dive into what brings me joy: COLOR, texture, novelty, nature 🍄, messes with purpose... I've gathered this momentum into a 1-Day Retreat full of the same!

Join me and a few skilled imagination partners for a day of delights: Sunday, November 16th, 10AM-4PM, at Mudland Makerspace in NE Portland. We're coming together for ​Co-Imagination: A One-Day Retreat for digesting stress and cultivating hope!​

There will be free books, simple snacks, and loads of lovely art supplies. All for YOU.

Reading books and humming to music don't solve all the world's troubles. But they put a rhythm in our bones and connect us to heartfelt stories. Which is worth a lot.

Creative resistance is not all marching and raging. The kids already know this.

Join the CO-IMAGINE RETREAT! (registration closes November 8th)

And, absolutely, don't forget:

You are your child's best resource and anchor for regulation.

How we take care of our own needs and embrace the power of connection is the template on which they model strategies for building resilience.

This doesn't mean they cope exactly like we cope. It means they are watching us to survey their options for handling what floods and flummoxes them.

They need us to point the way. So they can map their own path.

Thank you, deeply and truly, for being part of mine.