Self-Tending is Mending
One of the things I emphasize about parenting is that it is OK to meet your own needs first.
I did it yesterday when I attended a class instead of pouring my energy into family dinner prep—tacos & oatmeal cookies for the win!
It's not shirking your duty; tending to yourself is essential to your capacity to be regulated and available.
Lots of parents tell me they feel guilty when they take even a few hours to themself. There's a sturdy cultural message that motherhood = martyrdom. But I'll be plain about it: Sacrificing to the point of burnout or resentment is not sustainable.
I can honestly say I've learned that lesson over and over (and over).
When I started listening to my body and learning more about the neuroscience of behavior, I made connections about my own stress coping that had never occurred to me before. In turn, that revealed resources and resiliencies that I had taken for granted.
This way of tuning into what I need didn't come naturally to me.
I have a tendency to power through when I get overwhelmed, am a chronic over-thinker, and reformed night owl. But over time I've learned how to tune into the parts of me that know I have to tend to myself before I can be a resource to anyone else. It's important for me to model this to the families I work with. And in my own parenting.
Kids learn by watching how we handle normal, everyday and sometimes-super-stressful transitions, disappointments, frustrations, and fears.
Here are 3 ways I walk my talk and model tending to myself in the storms!
Orient to sensations in your own body
Before we have a visible response to any emotion, it shows up in the body as energy in motion. Noticing the sensations that accompany fear, frustration, annoyance, exhaustion...these are clues to what needs our attention. This means our behavior, our words, and our fight-flight-flee impulses are tipped off by what we feel in our bodies.Tracking and tending to these is a life skill we REALLY want our kids to master; awareness of body sensations and accompanying emotions leads to increased regulation, impulse control, and empathy as we each learn what helps us feel better.
Set the intention to do something different
It may sound too simple, but you have to set the intention to interrupt stress and old patterns of reacting. Decide today that you are a parent who avoids yelling. Because we can't break a pattern we don't notice or aren't willing to interrupt. Then give that impulse a job; identify strategies that are easy to access and engage your body. If you don't want to yell, make a plan about what to do instead:
- walk into the same room, instead of calling across the house
- when you notice your jaw clench or fists squeeze, sit down
- don't make the same request more than twice; if you've asked twice, stop talking and take 3 deep breaths
- splash cold water on your face—it instantly causes us to breath deeply, sends more blood to the head/brain, and clears our thinking
Look for different evidence of success when things feel daunting.
Instead of completing the To-Do List or chucking it all together...what would it be like to do "just enough," then put the list down and enjoy yourself? I've been working on a project for the past 54 days that takes 15 minutes a day...of joy.
I've made a commitment to my writing practice, working toward a book that I've been envisioning for 5+ years. And I have barely written 25 pages. Instead, I've been working on a 100-Day Stitch Book...full of scraps, color, and thread. It's just for me, and it doesn't include a word, but every page makes me smile. And stirs the pot of ideas, metaphors, and inspiration.
My first book of the year is more than half-way done!
I invite you to take a pause and ask yourself:
How am I meeting my own needs this week?
Your kids will benefit, too. I promise.